It’s invisible, the burden she carries. No one can see the weight of the self doubt that consumes her upon a daily basis, a heavy garment of measurement draped across the expanse of her shoulders; a reminder of the many ways in which she falls short. She is aware that she is her own worst critic. She never gives herself the credit she likely deserves, because she feels like she can always be better, do better.
Along the journey of motherhood she is aware that she has lost herself. Yet she is so entrenched in the minute daily details of raising children, fostering a comfortable environment for a family to be nurtured, that in the midst of cutting requested corners from slices of bread for sandwiches, she has also cut corners in her self care. She is not a martyr by any means. She willingly offers portions of herself to her children and family, small slices of love, kindness and encouragement, tokens which she readily dispenses in to the wells of her children’s needs, reveling in their successes and questioning herself and her parenting in their failures. She understands that the cycle of life will damage her children, hardening their presently rounded edges in to sharper corners, building small nuggets of cynicism and doubt within them, as the path to adulthood so unkindly does. Yet she acts as their protective cover, their self described poncho from the storms of life, battering the criticisms and judgments that often come from others to ensure everyone who surrounds her is happy.
She is not certain at which point she ventured from grace. She feels as though she has weathered her path for so long that she cannot recall anyone ever walking the path beside her. She knows His presence exists all around her, that to Him nothing is a surprise nor is any part of her journey a mystery, yet she can’t remember when she lost her faith, where in her trials to turn to to find Him again.
Yet, that is the most beautiful and perhaps most painful part of grace. Often, in order to gain grace, to fully understand our purpose, we must lose everything. It is in those moments where we question ourselves the most that He finds us, reminding us of the way home.