When I write a post on this page I like for it to be uplifting and inspiring. I like to share my experiences with others in the hopes that if they are currently in or have previously been in a similar situation, that person can find a way to seek the positive in that experience and be encouraged by the words I share here.
This will not be one of those posts.
Let me explain.
When I created this page, I did so with the intent of journaling my emotions at the exact moment that I considered blogging the best way to express them. As people actually started to read the blog, I shifted my focus on what I wanted to use this page to represent. My life is largely centered around my family. My children, my marriage and my faith are all experiences that I pull from to write these posts.
However, in attempting to create a page of encouragement and inspiration all of the time, I don’t feel as if I am always being fully authentic. I have been tired lately, not just physically, and at this point, I think that it is best to say what is on my heart, even if it’s not particularly inspirational or remotely inspiring.
So I must confess.
I am tired.
I am tired of feeling as if I give more of myself to others than they are willing to contribute. I am tired of one sided friendships and relationships, where I have to do all of the work. I fully understand, being an adult myself, the daily demands we face. Many of us are parents and I will be honest when I say the only free moments I have are often in the last few minutes before I go to bed. I do not expect someone to babysit me in a friendship all the time, nor would I ever demand it. But if I find that the only time I hear from someone that calls themselves a friend is when I reach out to them, whether in a text message or an email, and that person then tells me the details of their life; never asking about how I am doing before I have yet to hear from them again…unfortunately only one person is putting in effort and that’s just not fair.
I am tired of feeling as if I am too nice. I am tired that it even has to be a choice. As a person, I am naturally wired to be strong willed and direct, and while some may find fault with those personality traits, they comprise who I am. It’s disheartening however, to be told that being strong willed or direct ultimately makes you a rude person (or another term for a woman that I will not be using here). Why is it okay for someone to say that a woman who understands herself and what she will and will not tolerate is unacceptable because her beliefs are not nice enough? Would that same explanation suffice for a dominant male? Absolutely not. That male would be described as assertive, powerful, and commanding. If a woman acts the same way, she just isn’t nice. But I am weary of being too nice at the same time. If you are too nice, too friendly, it can almost appear that you are being artificial. I’ve heard it said before..”No one can be that sweet.”It’s a losing battle, and one that can be incredibly exhausting. Why can’t we be both dominant and friendly?
I am also tired of feeling like the events of my past are shaping my future. Of course, perspective is essential to growth. But those circumstances are a part of the past for a reason. I need to realize that I have to let these things go and allow new experiences to fit in their place. Of course events have created who I am today, but that doesn’t mean I have to carry them around with me, a heavy burden that I continue to bare while others have long since moved on.
I am tired of these things, and the way that they have made me feel. It’s time to finally start waking up.